Seamus and the Salvation Army
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Seamus is bored and drags Dean, Neville, Harry, Ron, Fred, and George to the Salvo to go shopping. But will Voldemort thwart their plans...? Includes obese geckos, shoe throwing, and general randomness. R&R!
1. Boredom: GreatAunt of Invention

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the circumstances.

Chapter Dedication: To obese geckos everywhere.

A/N: The inspiration for this came from a shirt I got at the Salvo. It says, "You know you love me!" Seamus needs that shirt. He must have it, I decided. So since I can't go to Ireland to bring the shirt to Seamus, I must have Seamus go to the Salvo and his shirt. Enjoy. Flamers will be laughed at by me and possibly agreed with by Reid.

Boredom: Great-Aunt of Invention

It was twenty-seven hours, eighteen minutes, and forty-odd seconds until the train arrived at Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. Not that Seamus Finnegan was counting.

It wasn't so much that he wanted to go back to school. It was more that he wanted to see people. Specifically, his friends. For Seamus Finnegan was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. He flopped down on his bed and said so.

"Gee whillikers, am I bored!" he said, in an irritating, purer-and-more-innocent-than-thou, I'm-a-cute-little-choir-boy, nineteen-fifties-stereotypical-American voice.

"Sodding hell, if that isn't the most annoying voice I have ever used…" Seamus muttered to himself, back in his sexy Irish accent, voicing the thoughts of all. He grinned. "I canna wait to use it when I get back to Hogwarts." He continued practicing.

Sixteen minutes and twenty-three seconds later, Seamus flopped back down across his bed.

"Bored. WHY MUST I BE SO BORED!" he shouted out the window. A cat threw a boot at him. He ducked and it fell onto his pillow.

"At least I have a birthday present for Granda now," he said cheerfully, picking up the boot. He closed the window, mildly regretting that he had stuck his bed right next to it. But having he odd moldy boot or half-eaten traffic cone thrown at him was a small price to pay for easy access to the outdoors.

Now if only he actually lived within walking distance of anyone other than his cousin Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan…

Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan was an ineffectual tomboy of a Mary-Sue. She tried to get everyone to call her "Trick" as a nickname. Seamus loathed his cousin with a fierce passion and avoided her as much as possible. Last year, he had succeeded in hexing her into somewhere else. She came back in June, spouting tales of hot elves and small people with hairy feet called "hobbits". Seamus shook his head. House elves were not "hot," and Great-Aunt Elmira was definitely NOT a "hobbit".

Seamus sighed. He knew he was beyond mere boredom when even ranting to his pet gecko about Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan lost its charm.

"What insane, amusing, clever, plot-worthy activity could I possibly engage in?" He asked rhetorically.

His overweight gecko ate a cricket and burped.

"Geckos don't burp…" Seamus said. The gecko, whose name was Mr. Snuggles, glared.

"This one does, pink boy!"

Seamus shrugged. "Whatever you say, Mr. Snuggles."

"For the billionth time, my name is NOT Mr. bloody Snuggles! I am Voldemort! VOLDEMORT! FEAR ME!" Seamus looked stern.

"Since you accidentally transfigured yourself into a fat gecko and Wormtail into sixty-seven pounds of mango fudge, three coconuts, and parrot, I've looked after you."

"You put me in a spelled cage so I can't turn back and you feed me crickets, French fries and apple juice. Do you know how many bloody trans fats I have bloody ingested under your bloody **'CARE'**?" Seamus was lost in thought, trying to think of some entertaining activity.

"Listen up, brat. I'll give you money if you let me out of here."

"How much?" Seamus asked, suspicious. Mr. Snuggles, formerly known as Voldemort, checked his purple plastic Hello Kitty wallet for cash.

"I have thirty seven pounds, twenty-two pence, a paper clip, a piece of chewed gum, half a feather, some cookie crumbs, a-"

"Done!" Seamus interjected. The Irish boy stopped and thought. "Wait…you have to give me the stuff before I let you out."

"Fine, fine, just get me out of here!" shouted the morbidly obese gecko. "And where in Dumbledore's insane novelty Kleenex holder is that voice coming from! It's constantly insulting my slight weight increase!"

Seamus looked puzzled. "It's always been there…" He leaned in towards the gecko cage. "I think it likes me." He whispered, obviously slightly confused. "It's a voice. How can it see me? And how can a voice get a crush on me?" The former Dark wizard sighed.

"Look, kid, are you going to take the bribe and let me out or not?"

Seamus got handed the wallet and its contents and skipped down the hall because he got an epiphany.

Seamus sent his owl to all of his friends and waited for the reply. Yes, they were all at the Burrow. Dean and Neville had met up with Ron and Harry in Diagon Ally and been invited back to the Burrow for dinner and a sleepover. Perfect. Seamus dashed downstairs.

The blubbery gecko looked distraught. "OI!" the gecko called from his cage. "You promised to let me out! AND GIVE ME BACK MY WALLET!"

We leave the ex-lord sobbing pathetically and obese-ly in his cage, curled up in a corner and sniffling for his lost purple plastic Hello Kitty wallet. Let us look into the kitchen, dear readers, and see what our darling Seamus is up to.

"Ma!" Seamus called into the kitchen.

"Yes, love?" a feminine, maternal-sounding voice called back. The kitchen was shrouded in a haze of smoke.

"I've asked all me mates if they'd go out shopping at Salvation Army. Can we?"

"Sure, dear, you know where the Floo powder's kept. Just bring yer cousin, Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa. Her parents need a day off from her before we have a repeat of last week." Seamus groaned.

"Seamus! Be happy I'm letting ye go in the first place! Be back by sundown, right?" the reply came back.

"So what did Da try making this time?" Seamus inquired, lingering by the fireplace as the colored flames roared high. His mother sighed. Seamus stepped into the fire, shouting "THE BURROW". As he was whisked away, he heard his mother shout the answer.

"Cereal!"

….So? Did you love it? Did you loath it? Did it make you laugh, cry, sing, dance, recite Greek poetry! Be a darling and clickity click on that lovely review button down there and tell me what you think so far…


	2. Bus Stops and Keepaway

Bus Stops and Keepaway

A/N: I don't own the Greenday song in here. It's called Homecoming and it's been stuck in my head. I don't know any more words than Seamus does, so I sing them constantly…

Well, I know the words, I just don't have them memorized.

Dedication: To all who shop at the Salvo.

* * *

"I fell asleep while watching Spike TV after ten cups of coffee and you're still not here," Seamus sang. He was on a Greenday kick. That one song, Homecoming, was stuck in his head. He only knew one line, but why would he let that stop him? 

"I fell asleep while watching Spike TV and I don't know the words but I don't care…"

"Seamus," Dean said as he walked up to the bus stop, "Stop singing. You sound like a dragon PMS-ing." Seamus pouted.

"Blame my parents. And how do you know what a PMS-ing dragon sounds like?"

"I don't."

"I wonder what PMS-ing actually means…about once a month, Ron complains that Hermione's being PMS-y, but every time I try to ask Hermione she hits me!"

Dean shrugged. "Wimmin. Absolute mysteries."

Seamus nodded in agreement. "So, where are Ron and Harry and Neville? They were right behind us a minute ago…"

Dean tilted his head back down the hill. "Trying to shake off Fred and George." Dean noticed the girl standing next to Seamus. She had hair streaked red, black and blond. All natural, of course. One of her eyes was green and flashed silver when she grew angry. The other was blue and flashed purple when she was in love. Both eyes flashed orange when she was in danger.

As Fred, George, Ron, Neville, and Harry came up the hill, Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan's left eye flashed purple for a brief moment before both eyes turned bright orange.

She beamed, unaware of the sudden color change.

Seamus saw movement across the street out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look at it and grinned.

Several seconds later, a moldy old half-eaten lampshade hit his cousin on the head with remarkable accuracy.

A small voice across the street, possibly belonging to a small reptile, could be heard faintly. "You missed! How could you miss! He's wide open!" There was much high-pitched chattering following this statement.

Meanwhile, the boys all laughed at the would-be Mary-Sue's misfortune.

Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan glowered and burst into tears. She tried to throw her arms about George's neck.

He sidestepped and she fell, overbalanced, in Fred's direction. Impressive, considering she had to turn five-eighths of the way around to accomplish such a coincidental feat.

Fred ducked under her outstretched arms and she stumbled, coming close to Harry.

Uncomfortably close, thought Harry. Harry Potter squirmed even more when her arms locked about his neck and she started sobbing into his favourite Chudley Cannons shirt.

"EEEEW! SHE'LL GET SNOT ALL OVER IT!" Harry screeched. He solved this problem by fainting, thereby slipping out of her grasp.

"Wow. Harry's practice at fainting voluntarily comes in handy for more than getting out of Divination tests…" Ron stood amazed and vowed to learn how.

Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan, still sobbing heartily, liverily, and spleenily, turned her voracious attention to Ron, like a zombie turns to fresh human meat.

Ron "meep"ed and hid behind Dean, who hid behind Ron, who ran to hide behind Dean, who dashed to hide behind Ron, until the two boys were fifty metres away and still moving quickly.

In the direction of some shrubbery.

They crashed into the shrubbery and fell over in an awkward heap.

Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan turned towards Neville, still sobbing hysterically.

Neville calmly and quickly circled around until his back was to the street. Using himself as bait, he carefully lead her across the empty lanes, and--

"DEATH TO THE GOODY-TWO SHOES!"A shrill scream came from a tree branch. A small raisin dropped onto Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan's head.

"Damn. Missed again! I have GOT to stop using these squirrel mercenaries..." a gecko-like voice muttered to itself.

She screamed and ran away. The scream was such in pitch, tone, and volume that every living thing in a two hundred meter radius fell to the ground.

The raisin exploded, showering her with radioactive blue tic-tacs. All latched on and began poking her unmercifully.

"THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! THE BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEE!" whined Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan.

"Oh, but we DO love you, my dear." said one radioactive blue tic-tac.

"Yes. We show our undying love and affection by poking you," added another.

"Wait! You're not a tic-tac! Nor are you blue!" said Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan.

"Curses, foiled again…" growled the fat gecko, leaping out of his orange Altoid costume.

"I'm ALLERGIC TO SLIMY THINGS! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Triccilla Vanessa Alara Mavera Genevieve Guenevire Alanna Alayna Camilla Francesca Telula Bannana Fanna Contessa Finnegan ran away screaming. Again.

The screaming faded into the distance.

"Mr. Squiggles," said Neville in a steely voice. "We meet again."

The gecko glared. "For the final time, my name is Voldemort! VOLDEMORT! The Dark Lord! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Tom Riddle! He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named-Because-He-Has-Far-Too-Many-Names-Already!" the gecko shouted as he rattled off the long list of titles he had acquired.

"Mr. Squiggles, you're coming with me." With that, Neville picked Voldemort up and brought him back across the street to where the other boys were standing.

"That was…odd…" Dean said after a stunned silence.

"Yeah. She gets like that. Twists plots something cruel. Sorry. Hey, Neville!" Seamus waved. "Hurry up, the bus'll be here any minute, mate!"

Neville jogged up to them. "I found Mr. Squiggles lurking in the tree over there."

Seamus took the gecko and looked sternly at Neville. "Thanks, but his name is Mr. Snuggles, not Mr. Squiggles."

Unheeded, the gecko ranted. "MY NAME IS BLEEDING VOLDEMORT! NOT MR. DAMN SQUIGGLES OR SNUGGLES OR WHATEVER! VOLDEMORT! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!"

The bus drove up and the boys looked at Seamus.

"A Muggle bus? We're taking a Muggle bus?" hissed Ron out of the corner of his mouth.

Seamus tossed the ex-lord into a bush. "Yeah, guys, this is the bus that goes to the Salvo."

"The…'Salvo'?" Fred repeated uncertainly.

"I thought you said we were going to the Dalmatian Army," added George.

"We won't have to join up, will we?" Ron asked. He sounded worried. Seamus laughed.

"No, no, guys, the Salvation Army is a place where people donate old clothes. The people who work at the store price them, usually between two to six dollars, and we go and try stuff on and if we like it, we buy it. It's a cheap way to get cool clothes. It's meant for poorer people, but college and high school students shop there too, because there are such sweet clothes."

Harry looked at Seamus oddly. "You alright, mate? You sound a bit American…besides, we don't have dollars, we have Sickles…"

Seamus grinned. "Ah, but this is a special Salvo-"

"AGAIN WITH THIS 'SALVO' NONSENSE!" shouted Ron. "JUST TAKE US TO THE MILITARY PLACE ALREADY!"

The bus driver snorted and spat out the window. "Look, brats, are you gonna get on the bus or not?"

Seamus dug in his pocket for the bus fare and, after a lengthy trawl through various pockets of his cargo pants, came up with the required pound forty for the seven boys. The doors shut, and they grinned at each other as the bus headed off along its route. That is, the boys grinned at each other. The doors were having a minor spat and weren't on speaking terms with one another.

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Did you laugh? Cry? Cosplay Lord Voldemort the Overweight Gecko? Review and give me feedback! Flames and syrupy, transparent flattery are equally welcome! As are actual constructive reviews! 

Speaking of which, this is at a point where the story can go in two of four ways, and I want you people to tell me which ways. I've written chapter 3 for all the versions but I'm not sure which one I want to post. Should this turn out to be

-slash?

-non slash?

FOR ME TO POST THE NEXT CHAPTER: should this

-keep some vague semblance of reality?

-turn into a random pit of crossover humour? (I.e. (insert LotR character here)'s adolescent clothes were donated, (insert PotC character here)'s old shirts were donated, (insert other character from other fandom here)'s (insert random donation here)…?)

I gotta know before I write much more……….even though only two people reviewed this foolish story…. /shrug/ ah well.

Tune in next time for Voldemort's plotting! Seamus and the gang will return in chapter 4, which will be about their time on the bus, and also hopefully give enough time for people to find this, read it, and review to tell me what type of story they'd like to see….

Please review! (and put this on your favourites! While you're at it, check out my other stories! Hahaha….shameless advertising…/shuffles feet/ I'm sorry...I just had to...)


	3. Travelling Companions Can Be Trouble

Aight. This lovely story, darlings, only got 104 hits as of now, but it has 8 reviews, it's on 2 favs, and has 3 alerts. I love you people. So I'm going to do the neat little thing that some authors do and reply to everyone who reviewed to show my appreciation. Also, since this story got the most responses, I'm working on this first.

**Forever Tom's Mannequin**--I am thankful that there is someone out there who responded that they did indeed recite Greek poetry. Thank you for having a sense of humour and also For being MY FIRST REVIEW! WOOT! And I will indeed be doing the crossover, as you shall soon see…and never fear, there will be no Deamus other than for the purposes of mocking it. SEAMUS/RON! YEAH! Muahaha….

**Mazazilian**--Hehe. Thnx much for the review, hon. Seamus is my fav HP boy…and yes Lord Voldemort the Gecko rocks. I am giving you an entire chapter of Gecko!Lord Voldemort, enjoy/cookies/ And don't worry, no twincest…I don't want to make people squick (for this story…)…

**Yabberli**--Thnx much for reiterating that our Seamus does indeed kick arse…and sorry, but I may end up doing some slash…nothing too offensive cause I don't want you squicking, just some light silly stuff. But I will keep some vague semblance of reality except for the stuff for sale in the Salvo.

**TearCat**--Thank you, I am also very fond of old Voldie. He makes me giggle. And Seamus will be slashed with everyone I can fit in! Yay! Here is a chapter of Voldie funniness especially for you.

**.FallenIchigo**--Thank you for your review. Reviews about Mr. Snuggles, such as yours, caused this chapter to come into being. Thank you so much!

**Nickyfox13**--Yay! I am funny! (giggles) Thank you very much. I love to hear people's reactions. And you _saluted_. SQUEE! I feel so special! Like right out of MaC! Here is another chapter, and I shall try to add another one in about a week to keep you relatively sane.

Much thanks to everyone who was kind enough to review and put me on their favourites and alert list! I am so flattered. Thank you, thank you! (bows) Here is another chapter, fresh from the strange and terrible depths of my hard drive.

* * *

The ex-lord had managed to pull himself out of the bush just in time to see his nemeses board the bus. He muttered and cursed to himself, drawing several strange looks from random people crossing the street.

"I will have my revenge, Seamus Finnegan! I'll get you, and your little Potter too!" the gecko cackled to himself.

He stopped several minutes later, concerned by the sudden ruby slipper fetish that had overtaken him along with the odd urge to ride a bicycle with a wicket basket on the front. He would have to talk to Wormtail about the latter's obsession with these Muggle "movies". Voldemort had had his suspicions about the effect those "movies" had on one's sanity. Said suspicions increased tenfold after Wormtail had seen a "movie" called Pirates of the Caribbean and had spouted lines from it for a week straight. Even now, the parrot that was once part of Peter Pettigrew would squawk "But why is the rum gone?" and other such phrases.

Voldemort shoved these thoughts aside and concentrated on plotting Seamus' downfall.

First, he decided, he would need to get to this Army place. Then…well, he'd make something up as he went along. That had worked wonders during the whole world-domination thing, after all.

Voldemort stood on a shoe and waved for a taxi.

Ten minutes later, he gave up and got on the next bus. "TO THE SARMATIAN ARMY BARRACKS, HUMAN SCUM!" he screamed in his best Evil Overlord voice.

The bus driver spat out the window. "You want the Salvation Army."

"SAME THING!" roared the gecko.

The bus driver shrugged and closed the doors. The bus headed off. Voldemort laughed evilly.

"Siddown an shaddup. We'll be there soon."

The fat gecko meekly took a seat next to another gecko, who immediately started ranting about how no one got his name right. "It's GEC-ko, GECKO! How hard is that to say? Not very! But NOOOOO! They say GEIKO! HOW DOES GECKO SOUND LIKE GEICO?"

Voldemort was unnerved. "You do know you just spelled that word that sounds like "gecko" as "Geico" and then "geiko"…?"

The other gecko turned to him with a mad gleam in his eye.

"YOU TOO? YOU'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THEM! YAHHHHHHHHH!" The other gecko launched himself at the ex-Dark Lord, screaming incoherently.

"JE-sus! You set 'im off again!" The bus driver pulled over and tossed the raging gecko, now foaming at the mouth, out the window. "Next time, just nod and smile."

Lord Voldemort, slightly shaken, nodded meekly and sat very quietly for several more stops.

Then the doors opened and a toucan came on, speaking in a jolly imitation of an English accent.

"Jolly to meet you, old chap. Where are you from?" the toucan asked the Dark Lord, grabbing Voldemort's little paw-hand and shaking it vigorously.

"England. Bugger off, beaky." Lord Voldemort yanked his arm back and sulked in his filthy bus seat. This Muggle transport was absolutely disgusting. And that fat baby to his left was _staring_ at him.

It looked hungry. Lord Voldemort turned back to the toucan, who was still spouting gibberish.

"I say, what larks! You shall have to pop by for some crumpets and tea and we shall watch a cricket match together! I say, where are my manners? I'm Sam. What would your name be?"

The gecko who was once a terror to the world puffed himself up with importance and proceeded to rattle off his inordinately long list of names.

"I am Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Tom Riddle Jr., He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Lord Voldemort--"

"You already said that last one, I believe, old chap," the toucan informed him.

"Will you stop saying old chap? Who says that? You're American, for heaven's sake! That is the crappest English accent I have heard apart from Achilles in that Trojan movie! No one actually talks like that!" ranted Voldemort angrily, edging away from the toucan.

He tarted edging back toward the toucan when he remembered about the baby, who was now eyeing him with a decidedly malicious air.

The toucan just laughed and waved his wing in a vague manner. "What a jest! Now, old fellow, where are you headed?"

"I am gong to the Sarmatian Army barracks to capture and kill in fiendishly clever ways one Seamus Finnegan and his harem of boy-toys. Then possible I shall recriut these Sarmatians and use them to take over a small nation with an advanced nuclear programme, and then I shall break for tea, and then I shall figure out how to get back to my glorious old body instead of this ridiculous gecko thing. Now seriously, sod off. You're creeping me out," snapped the ex-lord.

The baby made its move.

"MY SODDING TAIL! OW, BUGGER, SHITE, AND OTHER SUCH EXPLETIVES! THAT FECKING HURT, YOU BUGGERING TITCHY GIT!" Voldemort shouted at the infant.

Several minutes and much shouting later, the former Dark Lord was tossed unceremoniously along with Sam from the bus window for disturbing the peace.

Also because the bus driver was getting annoyed with Sam's constant stream of idiocy.

"You and your freaky interspecies slash companion can _walk_ the rest of the way, buddy!" shouted the bus driver as the bus roared off into the distance, narrowly missing a cat and the elderly lady chasing it up a tree.

Lord Voldemort grumbled. He did _not_ want to drag this idiot along with him. He had a sudden idea.

Twenty minutes later Sam was now a mouse named Harold and with absolutely no memory of the incident.

"Thanks, Granny!" Voldemort called as he rigged up a saddle and reins for Harold. The youngest Riddle was quite put out when he realised that his reptilian body was not built for the saddle, so he ran into a conveniently located toy shop and 'liberated' a toy Barbie carriage. He burnt the horse and laughed in an evil manner, then hitched Harold up to the

Aggressively pink carriage.

He got up with the help of a passing chipmunk named Thomas, so he invited Thomas to come along. Thomas agreed.

Thomas was Scottish and between the heavy accent and the berries in his cheek pouches Voldemort couldn't understand a word he was saying. It sounded friendly enough, so he suffered Thomas to sit upon his mouse-drawn carriage with him.

"Onward!" shrieked Voldemort, and he cracked the tiny rubber band whip he had fashioned and Harold pulled the carriage onward to the Salvation Army.

Which, as it happens, was three stores down.

"That was quick," mused the former Dark Lord. He hitched Harold to a paper clip and gave him a feed bag full of acorns. "Stay here with the carriage and be prepared to make a quick escape when I come dashing gallantly out. Alternatively, be prepared to rush in if I shout out for you, as I may or may not need help with my cunning plan-in-progress," he informed Thomas.

Thomas nodded uncertainly.

Harold ate his feed bag complacently.

Voldemort tossed his violently purple Barbie cape over his shoulder and scuttled inside the Salvo, just as a bus pulled up and seven young men were thrown out the doors, laughing.

"AND STAY OUT, YE DUMBASSES!" came a shout from inside the bus as the doors slammed shut and the bus roared off, hitting the tree in which the old lady had cornered the cat.

Harold started eating the rubber band whip.


End file.
